Iris
by SashaDaae
Summary: Nobu is an honest man, an uncomplicated man. he is rude, unapologetic, and does not believe in love. Behind closed doors, however, there is more to him than meets the eye. Sayuri/Nobu
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

First MOAG fanfiction! I'm excited. I hope you enjoy. Just finished both the movie and the book today, so here goes…

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She never could love me as I have loved her.

Normally I wouldn't bother with such thoughts. They waste my important time-I could be working, as dwelling on emotion is silly and leads to nothing.

But when I think of Sayuri, I must set down on my pen and stroke one side of my face with my good hand; the girl intoxicates me, as unfortunate as it is for me to admit.

I have always said I do not like geisha, and I have a fine reason for this. My reason is that I hate the way they look at me. Granted, nearly every individual on the streets of Gion looks at me in the same way. But the geisha are different. They are supposed to be such pleasant creatures, charming and kind and interesting. Their true feelings do not bypass me, however. Behind the rouge and stark white powder and kimonos, I know they are disgusted by my mere presence. They avoid looking at me directly- they think themselves clever, but it's obvious they are looking at a vase or a flower situated behind me.

I walk in, and the first thing they see is a bear- you see, I prefer to think of myself as a bear rather than a lizard- with his gruff expression entering a teahouse. Next, they observe the horrible burns, trying to hide their dropped jaws behind coughs and lame giggles at jokes. Of course I find this extremely unamusing- it's something I would expect of a young child to do, and here these "professional" geisha are _giggling_- at _me_, no less!

And the kicker for them is the arm. I can see in their arms they are repulsed for many reasons. The thought of me as someone's danna seems to be a running joke with Hatsumomo and her little ring of sheep. Their eyes flick nervously to it every now and then, imagining a stump covered in even more scales beneath the fine suits.

They lie through their teeth and try to entertain me. They pour me sake- as if I am a silly toddler and cannot do it myself!- and purse their lips at my harsh retorts.

That is why I hate geisha. I hate them all.

Except Sayuri. I cannot hate her. Yes, she disappoints me greatly, but this is expected.

_I love her._

I have never admitted this to myself until now, as I sit here in my office. I will see her again tonight, and just the thought of that makes my stomach twist. When I am around her, I put on a mask just as how she applies her make-up. It is carefully placed. I am gruff and honest- too honest, Mameha tells me, but I refuse to hide behind petty lies-and speak to carefully selected individuals that I know will not affect this carefully built façade. There is no mystery to me, really. I just do not want a silly geisha bothering me.

Sayuri is one of those young women. She does not flinch; she drinks my words up rather than sipping demurely at her cold tea.

I have heard of a European story pertaining to an unfortunate young man turned into a beast who falls in love with a maiden from a nearby village. I suppose I could think of myself as this beast and Sayuri as the maiden- if I had use for fairy tales. In fairy tales, the beast is turned back into the handsome prince and everyone lives happily ever after. Children's fantasies, really! Even that is something too grand for me to dream of.

And here is where I set down my pen, because I remember the sneaking glances Sayuri steals at my good friend the Chairman, like a little girl trying not to get caught stealing sweets. I say nothing to her about it- even I, Mister Cannot-Keep-His-Mouth-Shut, does not have the heart to betray her.

I know that would mean betraying myself as well. I love Sayuri.

But she must never know.


	2. Chapter 2

,Note: Soo..I haven't been around lately. Well, that's a lie- I have been doing a lot of reading of both comments and stories, but I have not had the time to sit down and write due to an unfortunate abundance of extremely important tests and essays!

Kay Nastalia: Glad you think so! I adore Nobu, so I'm actually honored to hear that I'm able to capture his essence.

HI-ee-09: Thank you! Glad you enjoyed =D

SSLE: I'm sorry I didn't update sooner! On the plus side, think of this as a really early present, muahaha.

Vingamania: Thanks so much for your comment! I'm glad I could make him seen as more than he is for you, and no, you certainly don't sound like an idiot at all. In fact I am quite flattered! Hmm…anything you can do…I suppose you could make me some cookies? ^_^

Oh, and Happy (really belated) Holidays to everyone! Think of this as a late gift from me..hehe.

Oh and, not to preach, but I've been doing a lot trying to get the word out about the Haitian crisis that has recently occurred. So if everyone could do some praying and maybe some donating...perhaps we can restore hope in Haiti. Peace out everyone, and hope you enjoy this (rather short) little chapter.

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As a child, I used to love to play by the water with my older sisters. I am not a creative man, but back then I found large bodies of water to be enchanting, almost frighteningly so. They are untamable and wild, moving at their will to wherever they want. And yet I was attracted to them; I could not be torn away from even the simplest stream.

I'm not sure how any of this nonsense pertains to my Sayuri. Perhaps I am just dwelling on old memories; I am prone to such events when I am all alone. I am not even alone, and I am replaying stories in my head!

Maybe it is the fact that she is much like the water; though demure and kind, she has a mind of her own.

No, no, this is such an absurd thought I cannot help but laugh at myself for my ignorance.

Seated here in the teahouse, I cannot shake the feeling of being quite alone. The Chairman is here, Mameha and Sayuri are here. There are others whose names I do not know, names I do know, names I wish I did not know. I am watching Sayuri quietly; she cannot help but distract herself with my dear friend's appearance. I know that is the reason. It is always the reason.

I sneer into my cup of tea. "Is there something that displeases you, Nobu?" Mameha questions, and finally Sayuri turns to me, her head slightly cocked to the side. Her mesmerizing eyes show a hint of concern, and I respond angrily. I despise pity.

"This tea is rather poor tonight! Really, Mameha, you know my tastes." I snap. Tonight I am impatient and have no tolerance for her words; my patience will only decrease should that other dirty geisha show her face here. Most likely she shall, with my Sayuri here...

No, not "my". She can never be mine. Damn my infernal thoughts, damn this torture! Why have I been so angry lately?

"It must be the weather, Nobu." Sayuri responds. Did I just speak aloud? My eyes carefully look at her, afraid to meet her gaze. I have the strange feeling she knows my true thoughts.

I cough. "Yes, of course." I grumble, sneering into my tea. Ridiculous. My thoughts tonight are absolutely ridiculous, as are my actions. Sayuri seems to be expecting me to say something else. When I do not, she smooths the bottom of her kimono and makes a joke in her soft voice. Everyone laughs, and I force myself to snort. I am no longer listening. I have no reason to- I know that after the laughter dies down and Sayuri has looked at me for approval, she will return her attention to the Chairman.

I know I am ugly. I know I am old and uninteresting. But I am not an idiot. I must confront Sayuri or the Chairman.

As much as it pains me to admit it..my heart cannot bear the agony.

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"She pays you much attention you know." I mutter, staring at the paper in front of me with a curious look on my face. Well, as curious a look as I may muster- I am certainly no actor, that is for sure.

My friend tips his head back and forth, neither confirming or denying; rather he seems to be contemplating. "Perhaps you do not pay her enough attention!" he finally responds, a slight smirk on his face. It is his attempt at a joke, but all it does is make me even more upset.

I grimace. "She knows me well enough by now, she should know how to act around me, or is she just as stupid and ignorant as the rest of those damn women!? I told you, I hate them all, and she certainly is becoming a clone!" I shout, standing up so abruptly that my chair falls behind me. "She treats me like the dirt she treads on! Do you not see that?"

His face changes; he is suspicious, I know. I feel myself tremble and excuse myself from the room.

How dare a mere geisha bring me to such behavior? I must not see her again…cannot. My mask I have so carefully constructed will be broken by Sayuri, and I shall never be able to face the world again.

I splash my face with water, hoping it will calm me down. But I realize that I hate the water, even if my younger self reveled in it.

And yet, I cannot hate her.

My Sayuri..


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Nada.

As requested, LONGER CHAPTER! Well, a little longer than the past chapters...enjoy! =D

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It is snowing today.

It has also been my unfortunate luck to cross paths with Sayuri; I have forced myself to stroll with her. Partially it is out of my own will, but also out of my own gentleman's manners (what a rare occurrence- me, acting like an aristocrat!). Anyone who saw us would think we are good friends, playing catch-up. This, unfortunately, is not the case. I know well enough she is here as a way to see someone else. And that man is most certainly not me.

She artfully claims that she has not collided with me tonight by mere chance; rather she has been looking for me, for weeks, perhaps a month almost. I want to snort and reply snidely, but instead I think about her words. Sayuri is not like other geisha- as I have always thought- no matter what nonsense spills from her lips. Perhaps she means what she says?

But that would only be flattering myself. Humoring the lizard. Too bad this one does not grin at foolish attempts at healing an injury.

"You're as conniving a person as I know." I accuse. My words strike her, and she mentions Takazuru-dolt of a girl!- coming to her "in tears" due to my behavior towards her. When isn't that little juvenile in tears? Seems Sayuri does not know her colleagues enough!

"She is nowhere near as clever as you, nor pretty. If you are under the influence that I am angry with you, you are quite right!" I snap, shoving my hand into my coat pocket. Sayuri asks, frightfully calmly, what actions have caused her to create this anger.

I cannot help it-her words strike me to the core, make me shudder beneath my thick coat. Why must she torture me so? Does she not realize her words cause me more pain than the burns ever did?

I tell her that I know who her _danna_ is. My tongue is thick; it feels as if someone has stuffed cotton into my mouth. Sayuri is sugar-coating her words when I relay how I came about the information, and it pains me to tell her of my loss of respect. But she has asked for it, acquiring an idiot for a danna.

The more and more she speaks and opens her offending beak and squawks, the more offended and enraged I become. "I believed you had something more to you! But it seems that you do not comprehend where your destiny lies. The General!" I spit. "I would have taken proper care of you. Is this how you want to waste your youth? A young lady who acts like a fool, is a fool!"

I hear her quick intake of breath in reaction. She is speaking again, but I no longer have care for this conversation. A waste of breath and my good time, really. We are returning to the teahouse now and she is nearly pleading with me- I half expect to see Sayuri on her knees.

"Will Nobu-san come and see me at the Ichiriki Teahouse? Or perhaps invite me to see him? I have no arrangements this evening, I could come now if Nobu-san requested it."

I purse my lips. "I won't ask you."

Sayuri heaves a sigh, a sigh that is meant for old women- not for a delicate lady like she. "Sometimes you are so difficult to understand, Nobu-san."

"I am a very easy man to understand, Sayuri." I murmur. _"I do not like things held up before me that I cannot have."_

I depart before she may respond, leaving her gaping in the snow at my retreating back.

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I collapse in my office after returning from the teahouse. Why I have come back here, I do not know. It is this very office that is the source of my pain and frustration in life.

Damn it all!

All my anger is flowing out of me tonight, staining the air around me with its venom. I stare at the mirror behind my office desk, the mirror I never dare to face.

A lizard, a beast, afraid of his own reflection!

Sayuri is surely somewhere else now, perhaps back at the _okiya_ thinking of the Chairman. The Chairman and the geisha, how romantic, is it not? Unfortunate then that a Mephistopheles plague their imaginary romance! Send him back to hell, they laugh. But my friends, it is not that easy, not even Hell welcomes its inhabitants with open arms..

All those nights with Takazuru when I longed for Sayuri. Sayuri would not cringe and shrink away from me when I reached for a mere cup of tea, would not lie to me and tell stupid stories that I do not care about. Sayuri, despite her claims that she cannot understand me, knows me and my presence, my thought process, my mannerisms. She would never shun me, even if Hatsumomo sat behind her with a knife at her throat.

_I could have taken care of her…._

I do not know why I am attracted to her or what led to this infatuation. I am a grown man, not a schoolboy with a silly crush on a young girl. I have never loved a woman, never felt anything towards them. They are all the same, geisha or not. Damn Mameha for bringing Sayuri into my life! Would I be any better without her?

I clutch my chest with my one hand. I have betrayed myself tonight, thrown off my imaginary mask and bared myself to her. What has led to this destruction of identity? Does she know? Does she suspect? Have I frightened her away? Never has my longing for anything overpowered my thinking, my practicality. And now..

Now, I no longer know what I want. I have never asked for anything in my life. Never did I beg for a normal life, even when I had my shoes spat on and rumors spread behind my back. What I ask for are needs- clothes, shelter, food. Necessities of life. Never have I allowed myself comfort or happiness.

All I want is Sayuri, but I cannot have her. The one person I have ever loved is out of my reach, alienated from me. And no matter who I blame for this, it's my own fault.

With an animalistic cry I rip the mirror from the wall and fling it across the room. It shatters, thousands of pieces of glass splintering and reflecting the dimming light of the room. My chest heaves and I sink onto the floor, face in hand.

This is my life now. A thousand pieces of glass splintered and broken, all because of my selfishness.

Love, you are a fool. A disease.

If only I could purge myself of you.


	4. Chapter 4

Hmm, nothing really to say for this chapter other than I hope everyone likes it. Oh and SSLE, I apologize if I was following the book a little too closely. Hopefully this will answer your question ;D and thanks to everyone for the reviews!

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I am hoping that Sayuri has received my call.

It is cruel, I suppose, that I have assumed the disguise of my greatest friend. But of course this is the only way that she would ever agree to meet anyone. After our meeting outside the teahouse weeks ago, I do not believe she would willingly meet with me again. I trust that it was relayed specifically that the Chairman requested her presence and not Nobu. I had called Mameha rather than Mrs. Nitta; one could never be sure enough.

Leaning against a bridge, I cannot suppress the anxious feeling bubbling in my stomach. What will she think? Will she turn and run from me? No, surely not, Sayuri is a smart girl and would never make a fool of herself. _That_ job is saved for Pumpkin...I am not sure how long I have been here, for I have not worn my watch. Time has become an irritant, a nuisance to me. Deadlines and meetings- my life is full of them! I have no need for a watch in my spare time.

I finally spot her, twisting and craning her head about so hard I am sure it will fall off. Searching for our dear friend, I assume. Unfortunately for her, the two will not be meeting each other any time soon…

"Sayuri!" a couple men glance at me strangely when I call for her so rudely. Or are they looking at her?

She pauses; even this is graceful, the way her fingers splay and her neck tilts slightly to one side. But I am dwelling on irrelevant facts now. The fact she is even walking towards me and not running the other direction is astonishing. I release my grip on the edge of the bridge I am standing on and face her completely.

"Nobu-san!" she greets; her voice portrays happiness, but I doubt she is truly joyous by my presence. "I was looking for the Chairman, but it appears he is not here today! Has he taken ill?" _And sent you in replacement, you ugly lizard!_

"I see you are wearing the comb I gave you. It is lovely, yet you wear it in the middle of winter."

"Nobu-san, you are ever the pessimist!" Sayuri laughs nervously. "It is a gift I revere, how could I not wear it? After all, a flower in winter reminds us that we are nearing the spring time."

"Walk with me." I say gruffly. She falls into step beside me, nodding every now and then at those she recognizes.

"It has been long since I last saw Nobu-san. Poor Takazuru has not even had the benefit to be in your presence! Where have you disappeared to, the mountains? Even your friend the Chairman does not know!"

I snort. "The teahouses are not the place for me any longer. I am afraid I am not an imaginative man, in case you have not noticed in all the time you have known me." And yet this has never stopped me from visiting in the past. I am both a bad liar and a bad storyteller. Sayuri does not respond to this, however. "My work has become more..._important_ than entertainment."

"We have all missed your presence." She murmurs. I have no response to this, for I am unaware if this is mere flattery or truth and I dare not ask, so she begins rambling about some story or another. I have no care for her words; rather I watch my feet on the ground, her feet sliding gracefully beneath her kimono. Hearing her voice is enough for me. I called her here for a reason- I am not a man without purpose. Yet now my thoughts are completely lost, and I am unsure of what I am supposed to tell this woman.

Never have I been so unsure of myself!

"And would you believe, Nobu-san, the poor girl was running through the street chasing after the animal! Imagine what the onlookers thought, a dog trying to wear a kimono!" she laughs. I purse my lips.

"I am sure old Mrs. Tagawa was not pleased." It is the only response I may even formulate, having not heard the rest of the story.

"Oh, of course not. But you cannot make a dog pay to repair a kimono, can you?" she teases. I give a barking laugh and shove my hand further into my pocket. I am not sure where we are headed, for I did not come with any clear route in my head either; we have come to the cherry blossom trees, not yet beginning their bloom.

"Nobu-san, we must return to this very spot when the blossoms arrive. I have heard of how lovely the scenery is in this area for viewing. I am sure the Chairman-" Sayuri is being disgustingly forward with me. That she dare make such a suggestion infuriates me; she is clung to one subject, like an insolent school-girl.

"Really?" I sneer. "So that you may make dog-eyes at him, I suppose, while I pretend to gape at flowers? What kind of man do you find me to be, Sayuri?" I've caught her completely off-guard. "You really should expect this from me by now, silly girl. Or has Mameha never prepared you for such serious conversation?"

"Nobu-san, please, you are attracting attention!" she whispers, and she is quite right- my voice has risen and a couple of children are staring at me; it most certainly is not because of the scars.

"What kind of a man do you find me?"

"Nobu-san, please, you are so very dear to me. Why are you so angry? Have I-"

"Don't be stupid." I hiss. "Chairman this, Chairman that, do you really think I have not noticed?" Sayuri says nothing and drops her eyes to the ground. "I may be ugly, Sayuri, and I may have a heart made out of stone, but make no mistake. I see the looks you give him; do you know how much it pains me?"

She turns her head. "Nobu-san, I-"

"There is no excuse!" I fume. "All I have done for you!" I take off my hat and throw it on the snowy earth. "Sometimes Sayuri, I wonder why I bother with you geisha."

"Perhaps, Nobu-san…" Sayuri sucks in her cheek, thinking.

"Perhaps what?" I am all but screaming at her now, and my hand twitches with the image of a slap across her face. Her slowness is angering me and I kick the hat away from us violently, making her start. The children shriek and chase after it- to them, this is all a game. Life is but a game. A damned game.

"Forgive me." She says softly, pressing something into my hand before turning away and wandering back to her okiya.

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Surely she will be upbraided for venturing out; it was not a paid visit, after all.

When she left I stood by the tree, breathing hard, the item clutched in my hand. I was quite sure whatever it the gift had been was meant for the Chairman and not for a heartless man such as I. Nevertheless I was crippled by curiosity for what it was, and yet I did not dare to open it. One of the young boys had returned the hat to my feet (certainly too afraid to attempt to give it to a one-armed beast); it was dirty and soaking.

Finally, I pocketed the wrapped thing and picked up the black fedora.

As I began my journey home, I threw it in an alleyway.

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The gift, it seems, had been indeed meant for the Chairman. I would recognize his handkerchiefs anywhere.


	5. Chapter 5

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"How much longer to you plan on locking yourself in the office?"

I barely glance up from my paper. The overwhelming weight of the handkerchief in my pocket seems to grow heavier with his sudden entrance.

"I am surprised," he continues after my hefty silence, "That you have refused to come with us to the teahouses as of late. You know Mr. Schessler from Germany will be meeting with us soon?"

I set down my pen and run a hand over my face. "Really, Chairman? Do you think I help run this company with a blindfold over my face and plugs in my ears?"

He does not laugh at my sarcasm as he used to, or even give a rebuttal as I was quite sure he would. I retrieve my pen and continue writing, acting as if I have been completely unbothered by his interruption.

"What is it you want, Chairman?" He refuses to leave my office, but he doesn't open up his mouth and speak! He really has become like a leech. I don't dare meet his eyes; not because I do not wish for him to see my expression. On the contrary! I would rather not see his. "Unless you have stopped in for a little chat?"

He clears his throat. "No, no. Merely about the meeting with Mr. Schessler. He will want to visit Gion, of course. I was quite sure-"

"-That since this is such an important meeting I have no option but to tag along?"

"Essentially so, Nobu. I'm sure others in the past have been able to understand why you have not been in attendance at any social gathering, but this is such an important meeting I am afraid missing even one night may cost us."

All I can think of now is the stupid doily in my pocket. "Of course." I grumble. "Let us hope that Mr. Schessler is an agreeable man, I certainly don't have the patience to deal with stubborn Europeans."

The Chairman abruptly sits in the chair opposite me. I was hopeful he would take his leave after such a rude comment, but as usual I was wrong.

"You are bothering me."

"Good."

"Don't you want me to get any work done for this forsaken company, Chairman?"

"You have no reason to lock yourself in your office for the past two months!"

"If I locked the damn door, I would be pleased to know how you came about getting in!" I shout, slamming my fist violently on the desk.

He holds his hands in the air as if he is trying to deflect my harsh words from attacking him. "I haven't seen you so easily irritated in a long time, Nobu."

I take a shuddering breath and look at him. Slowly, I feel my hand crawling into my pocket. I have kept it there for a week, obsessed with its meaning.

"Would you like to explain this?" I carelessly drop it onto the desk.

The Chairman stares at it, saying nothing, doing nothing. "What of it?"

"What of it?" I ask incredulously. "Really? Do you know how I came about it?"

He shifts. "Nobu, my friend, it is a handkerchief. One of mine, I may add." He speaks in an uneasy tone, and I am sure that he thinks I am insane.

"A little geisha gave it to me." I continue. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging what he says; he is playing the fool, but I will not be tricked so easily. "A geisha with the most peculiar eyes."

His eyebrows knit close together. "Sayuri? Why would she have it?"

I gape. I was so sure that the Chairman would knowwhat this was and how the infernal girl came by it. "You-you-"

"Get some rest, Nobu." He lays a hand gently on my shoulder. "For all of our sakes. This office is doing you no good, my friend."

"Of course, Chairman." I whisper.

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"_Izumi! Izuuumiiii!"_

"_Shush Nobu." The older girl murmurs. The boy is hiding between two boards, peeking out between them. He wants to play, but Izumi is too busy mending something or another. _

_He has to convince her! The little boy sits down and hides his face behind his fingers, dark eyes peeking out between them. "'Oo can' see me!" his voice is muffled._

_Izumi gives a frustrated sigh and throws her work on the ground. "Really, Nobu! You are so irritating sometimes. Go help Yasu, now, why don't you?" _

_It didn't work. Before, she always used to laugh and play with him, but not anymore. Something has changed in the household, but he can't be sure of what it is._

_He drags his feet- he would never dare to complain. He has learned early on that body language is just as important as words. Stomps outside, looking for Yasu. He was sure he saw her washing clothes by the stream. _

"_Yasu? Where are you?" he calls. Where else could she have gone? _

_The young boy travels along the riverbank, calling her name. Perhaps she went into town? But that cannot be likely, she would have told someone before she ventured there…_

_He is about to turn around when he finds her. "Yasu, why did you go swimming?"_

_She doesn't answer._

"_Isn't the water cold?"_

_Her face is blue and she makes no effort to move, to acknowledge his presence. And then he realizes what has happened._

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I had the dream of my sister drowning all over again. It is the nightmare that always comes to me at the worst of times.

This Mr. Schessler arrived not a day and a half ago and the man is exasperating. Just as I imagined he would be! He is stubborn and curt and sits too straight. His mustache looks like a toothbrush.

The Chairman tells me I am nitpicking and that the two of us are quite alike.

"Are you trying to tell me I am growing a mustache?"

He merely laughed and refused to elaborate on what he meant.

And of course we must spend our time in Gion. Mr. Schessler specifically stated, by name, that Mameha be there, and I will not be astonished at all if her little sister will be there with her.

Curse the Chairman!

I pin the empty sleeve of my kimono. I am not ready for tonight; I have made a fool of myself twice in front of a young geisha. I am all the more sure that it will only happen again, for I cannot possibly ignore her any longer.


	6. Chapter 6

SSLE: I was in the midst of editing and reviewing this chapter when I got your review..well let's just say I hope your'e satisified with ch. 6 as I work on 7! ;D

And yes this is very short, but do not worry. I was afraid if I continued beyond where I stopped it would take away a bit from the chapter..enjoy!

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Does she know I am alive?

Apparently not, despite the fact I sit next to her plain as the day! I wonder why she even bothered, considering my outburst weeks ago. Mameha, I am sure. It is always Mameha. I can hear her breathe she is so close to me, yet she speaks to everyone else around, even the silly German. But never at the Lizard.

"Oh, Nobu-san, do not look so gruff!" Mameha laughs. "Have you been bitten on the hells on your journey here?"

"Yes, by a rabid dog. It chased us all the way here, I might add." Mr. Schessler winks, brushing crumbs off his stupid mustache. Sayuri smiles at him and claps her hands together.

"Was the dog wearing a kimono?" she had relayed the story earlier, and the man still finds it absolutely hilarious. His laugh explodes in the air, the Chairman and Mameha and the others laughing along. Sayuri glances at me- her grey eyes are piercing despite her grin. They are full of an emotion, a thought that I cannot place. I frown and hope she will turn away from me, stop staring at me so. She does not.

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The rest of the night proved disgustingly uneventful aside from the Sayuri escorted me to the bathroom- a stupid and trivial time to try and hold a conversation. Yet even she attempted to do this!

"Nobu-san, I know you have been unhappy with me as of late." She said in her airy voice, hands folded in front of her as we walked down the long hallway of the teahouse. "And our last two meetings have not been..well, enjoyable." her eyes had flickered toward me, but I had nothing to say of _that_ matter. "If I may be so bold, Nobu-san…permit me to meet you tomorrow morning? I wish to speak with you, as tonight seems to be the wrong place."

I stopped in my tracks and turn to her. "What are you suggesting, Sayuri?" I snapped. She drew in a quick breath. "Meetings with you? Am I a school boy? Are you a little girl? No! You must have consulted your almanac and it said that it would be a good time to meet with an ugly lizard and try to talk to it! First a handkerchief, not a meeting. What is the world coming to?"

"Please, Nobu." She said softly.

"If you have something to say to me, permit yourself to say it now than in a silly tryst! I am sick of chasing you." What a fool I was for saying that!

I clearly saw her swallow and look about her quickly. Her slim, tendril-like fingers were reaching, seemingly to grasp the air, and before I knew what to say she was holding my palm in her warm hands.

"Would it be safe to say, Nobu, that you have a great amount of fire in you, as I have water in myself?" her eyes flickered up towards mine. "Drive and passion is what my mother always told me, you know. Fire, that is. You call us geisha superstitious, but you cannot deny there is some amount of truth in that!"

My hand was trembling so badly that I did not dare take it away from her. From a mere girl! "I would suppose you are correct in that belief. I-really Sayuri, you are much too forward."

"A foolish geisha?" she laughed, running a finger through my palm before abruptly dropping it. "I apologize Nobu. You are right, of course." Sayuri took a step back as if she had suddenly realizing how close she was to me. "I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me."

I nodded. I could still feel the pressure and warmth of her fingers on my hand. "Your hair." it was an excuse, of course, to touch her, to be close to her.

"Of course." Her hair was soft, despite the amount of wax that must have been holding it together. "Thank you, Nobu-san. You are very kind to me."

I could not bear to draw my hand away from her.

I had fallen in love with a geisha, and I was sure that she found this out that night.


	7. Chapter 7

Humpy: Glad you found them so! And here is 7 for ya =P Also thank you for your first review comment! I am so thankful you find that I am doing well writing from Nobu's point of view. And I agree, I love the Chairman (especially when imagining him as Ken Watanabe hah), but there's just so much more to Nobu that the Chairman does not have!

SSLE: Indeed it does..-evil laugh- It may be, it may not be…I'm so devious sometimes!

__

And I have not gotten any sleep tonight.

It is near dawn now and I have been awake since I returned from the teahouse. The ghost of her hand holding mine lingers yet.

The Chairman was right- since when am I so sentimental? Not until her. Although I would not consider being escorted to sumo by a young geisha particularly sentimental at all.

__

"Watch him closely, Sayuri. He is about to perform a move called okurinage." I whisper. The crowd is a dull roar to me; it feels as if the only ones in the stadium are myself and Sayuri.

But of course that is a ludicrous notion.

"I would call you a fortune-teller for guessing he make such a move, Nobu-san, but that would be impossible for a man as pragmatic as yourself!" Is she teasing me? I snort in response.

"Nothing of the sort. I can tell by the way he circles his opponent from behind." Just as I expected, Terukuni Mano grabs his opponent from behind, throwing him to the left and down towards the ground of the ring. I am on my feet within an instant.

"You see, girl?" I cry happily. "I never lie about sumo, do I? And he only just made his debut!" The crowd is going absolutely wild for him, such a surprising win it is.

She smiles and tips her head to the side as I sit back down. "No, Nobu-san. I do not think of you as a man capable of lying." Her leg has brushed up against mine- accidently I am sure. I move farther away, angry that she try to touch me at all.

She attempts to compensate by pouring a cup of sake and placing it in my hand. Our fingers do not touch at all. I clear my throat. There is a short break and I am able to talk freely to her.

"So, Sayuri, tell me what was so important that you felt the need to accompany to sumo. I thought you had no interest in it, the way you acted upon our first meeting."

A blush clearly works her way up on her face. "Oh Nobu-san, I cannot possibly…it would be too forward of me!"

The sake slams on the board in front of us and splashes out of the cup. "Get on with it now! You are becoming too much like Pumpkin, you know that? A skitterish little-"

"I want you to be my danna, Nobu-san."

I look up at her in bewilderment. My hearing must be going already, there is no way she…she could not have…

"The General." I whisper. "You have the General, Sayuri. You have expressed clearly that you do not want me as your danna, if that is what I have just heard you ask."

"Can I not change my mind, Nobu-san? Not everything must be set in stone."

"A geisha does not choose her danna. You know that. I-"

"Then speak with Mameha, or Mother, or whomever you need to!" she sounds desperate and has her hand resting on my arm. The wrong one. Sayuri realizes her mistake too late and pulls it away but the damage is done. I turn away in disgust.

"Sayuri, I have expressed I do not like having things I cannot have in front of me. This is too much."

"Oh Nobu-san, it is not so much to ask! There must still be something inside of you that..that wants this as much as-" she abruptly stops and busies herself in cleaning the spilt sake. I stare at her in silence, not even venturing to complete her sentence in my head. It is too dangerous- I will fool myself into believing that which is not true. I could not bear that.

"You have caused me much pain, Sayuri. What do you want me to say? This is a ploy so you may access the Chairman, is it not?" my voice is surprisingly hoarse.

"No, that is not what I mean!" Sayuri's head twists up to mine, still bent over the mess. Her beautiful eyes are wide, full of...I do not know what. "Not at all, Nobu-san!"

"Then why did you give me his handkerchief?" I grind my teeth together. _Do not repeat the last two meetings, Nobu, calm yourself, please..._

She refuses to answer that. "That is for another time, Nobu-san, another story. Not now." She sets the little cup neatly upright and kneels at my feet, hands clasped in her lap as if praying. "Nobu-san, you have granted me so much. I have never asked you for pretty jewels, which you have placed in my hands so kindly. Do not think of this as my requesting you. It is an answer to a question you never had the courage to ask."

There is a hush between us. No one in the stadium is paying us any mind, as another match has already begun. Everything blurs to me as I tilt her chin upwards with my finger. I wet my lips._ A question you never had the courage to ask..._How did she know? What do I say? Not here, of all places, at sumo! At a teahouse, or over the little stream in the town on the bridge, but not here, with all these people who will recognize me. One of them will surely go running back to the General or to Mameha. And we will both be doomed.

But how badly I want to say yes, to hold her and care for her...

Then I make the mistake of glancing up. And who would be here, at this very match, but Hatsumomo, risen from the dead?


	8. Chapter 8

Ahh, Hatsumomo..such a fascinating character, even if she was a total bitch. Sometime soon I think I might do a short story on her, simply because she was so interesting. I think I may have to maker her a re-occurring character somewhere in this story?

So I'm updating today because I will not be home until Sunday (on vacation) and when I get back I'll be spending most of my time working on an essay. So I hope you all enjoy this chapter and can wait until my next update! (I'm thinking Tuesday-ish?) =D

__

I drop my hand from her face immediately. This is not the place, not the time. Especially with a _prostitute_ watching us. She may have been thrown out of the okiya, as Mameha told me, but she will always have some powerful friends. Even that little rat Korin will open her jaws and speak. The risk of doing anything here is too dire.

"We will speak after the match. In private, do you understand me?" Sayuri's face contorts with confusion until she sees who I am watching so keenly. She sucks in her cheek and seems to be thinking quickly, then picks up the tea pot.

"Of course, Nobu-san. May I interest you in more sake?" There is a particularly strange glimmer in her eye when she says this. I shake my head and snort at the possibilities of what must be going through her mind.

__

It is at the stream that we are about to depart. The day has turned bleak; clouds hover in the sky, and a part of me is anxious. The world around us- beyond Gion and Kyoto, beyond Japan itself- has changed too much. I hear politicians and men like Mr. Schessler speak, and it sends a shiver down my spine and brings a grimace to my face.

We are walking in utter silence. No doubt she is recalling her life with Hatsumomo in the okiya and the strangeness of seeing here again at all. I cannot blame her. I, however, am anxious as to what I should do. A teen boy surely is more knowledgeable than I am!

I would ask her about the handkerchief, about the Chairman. But I know that (being a geisha) she will respond with a silly joke or find an answer that is not really answering. I twist my fingers about in my palm before digging into my pocket. I finally bring out a small wooden box; it's rather ugly looking, to be honest. Sayuri doesn't seem to notice what I am doing until she finds I have stopped walking by the bridge overlooking the waterway.

I open the box clumsily (refusing her help, of course- I am not an infant!) and place in her hand a pearl. "It's a family heirloom, so you had better be careful with it." I warn. "It was my great-great-grandmother's, it used to be a part of a very fine jewelry piece." I don't tell her my drowned sister had it in her pocket when she fell into the river; that is none of her business at this time.

Sayuri gazes at it silently, touching it gently with the pad of her index finger. "What an engaging little pearl it is, Nobu-san!" she exclaims as she wraps it in the cloth again.

"Don't be silly, it's a jewel. I have told you I do not give gifts for no reason at all." What a lie that is! I spoil her as a grandfather spoils his granddaughter.

"Then what is the meaning behind this pearl, Nobu-san?" her eyes seem to know the answer already, before I have spoken or even opened my mouth.

I avert my eyes for a moment, then look back at her kindly. "Because, Sayuri." I speak slowly, deliberately. "As you well know, I want to be your danna."

She releases a breath she must have been holding and smiles.

__

Of course, I would have to find a way to oust the General.

Now, I have never been a devious man. Many think that businessmen must play dirty and break rules to gain headway in the world, but this is certainly not true. Any idiot may do that; the Chairman has constantly told investors that I am one of the few men where my word is truly gold. I am not sure if this is true, but I must pride myself in my ability to skirt around the edges while staying within the lines, so to speak.

But working with a man like the General takes something more. He is a military man, first and foremost. Despite his ignorance he knows the workings of a cunning individual and may successfully beat them at their own game.

I have a job that I enjoy, a business partner that is my greatest friend. I have a roof over my head and I may feed myself. I am lucky to have suffered no dire illnesses due to my afflictions, as the doctors promised I would.

It is only now that I am so close to the one thing I desire.

But I am afraid I may lose myself in the process.

__

"Have you heard about General Tottori?"

"Little Sayuri's danna? What of him?"

"Gambling in Tokyo, apparently. Throwing away the very money that is supposed to be used on her!"

"Hmph. What an insolent man! What was Mrs. Nitta thinking, eh? Even I could have made a better danna!"

"A drinker? The General? No! I can't believe it!"

"No, you must! I heard it from the source herself! Kikuya would never tell a lie!"

"One of my most dear customers is in the military, he tells me there is no chance General Tottori will be in his standing for much longer."

"Quite right, he has always been lazy and insolent.."

Rumors have successfully been spread! I must admit it pays to get old geisha good and drunk every now and then, no matter how much I dislike them. I am desperately hoping to soon speak with Mrs. Nitta on the matter. The whispers have no doubt reached her old ears by now, and I am sure she is greatly regretting her decision! I am sure due to the political circumstances it was a good move (in her mind, surely not mine) to employ a military man as a danna to the daughter of the okiya. Unfortunate she made such a mistake, really. Normally Mrs. Nitta is much more careful in her decisions- particularly when it involves money.

After all, who would allow such a beloved young geisha to have such a hated danna? I must congratulate Mameha on her help the next time I see her. Although old Kikuya had her role as well…

I feel absolutely pathetic, sitting here staring at the phone. I could easily pick up and call; I suppose I could go to the okiya in person. This second course of action would certainly allow me to see Sayuri. We would probably not speak, but just to see her in her true element would be enough for me.

When I finally pick up the phone, my hand is trembling so badly I am sure it will slip and fall on the floor.

__

"Who is here, eh? Nobu Toshikazu is here, you say?" I've slipped off my shoes and I am standing in my socks, hugging myself. A geisha house is the last place I would have ever thought I would willingly visit (aside from the Miyagawa-cho district), and yet here I stand. All for Sayuri!

Mrs. Nitta welcomes me into her cramped little office space and watches me through the haze of smoke from her pipe. "Well, Nobu-san, it appears that our General has just about abandoned poor Sayuri!"

"Unfortunate, Mrs. Nitta. Your Sayuri certainly deserves a more competent danna."

"Indeed, Nobu-san." She looks over her grimy glasses at me, beady eyes staring at me so hard I believe she is trying to intimidate. "I suppose that would explain why you are here, then?"

I nod. "I would be honored, Mrs. Nitta, to become Sayuri's danna."

She stares at the paper in front of her; full of mathematical equations on prices and such, no doubt. "You have asked once before, have you not?" she chuckles. "An eager young man, you seem to be!"

"I would not consider myself young, Mrs. Nitta." I respond seriously.

"A quick thinker, too." She is writing something now. "It would certainly be an honor for us all, Nobu-san, considering the circumstances we all are in."

"Of course, Mrs. Nitta. I would do whatever possible for your Sayuri."

"No doubt you would." She finally looks up and lets out another puff from her pipe. "You have been good to our Sayuri, Nobu-san, and a very loyal patron. But she is also very popular, as you very well know."

I internally cringe, thinking it would have been best to bring along an accountant.

__

As I exit Mrs. Nitta's little room, I feel as confident and nervous as I did years ago, the first time I spoke to the Chairman of working with his company.

About to exit the okiya, I glance up and see her standing in a doorway. No, rather peering, as if she had been hiding. She raises a slender finger to her lips and glances behind her. She slips out quietly and stands before me. No garish makeup, no absurd hairstyle.

"Nobu-san has spoken to Mother, I expect?" she sounds a bit breathless. "Auntie told me it was you at the door and Nobu-san would make his offer..but now I speak too freely."

"Catch your breath, why don't you?" I sigh. "And if you really must know at this instant, I did. And that is all you need to know."

Part of me, as silly as it is, was hoping for a response- happiness? A smile? But instead her face is as expressionless as the Noh masks she imitates. I sigh.

"You geisha really are infuriating sometimes."

"You businessmen are so repetitive!" she responds coyly. Her eyes flicker about again. "Come in here." And here Sayuri does something quite unbelievable- she grabs my hand as she pulls me into the room.

I am much too shocked to say anything as she stands staring at me. What am I to say to her? Sayuri had closed the sliding door behind us. "You really are insolent as well too." When I finally find my voice I speak in as hushed a voice as I can manage. "Really, what do you think you are doing? If Mrs. Nitta should find out I am still here-"

"Oh, she won't, Nobu-san, I can assure you!" She still has her hand resting in mine. I pull it away quickly and she dips her head to the floor.

I am not quite sure what to do; there have been few instances where it has been only Sayuri and myself. I could probably count the times on my hand! And yet here we stand. No Mameha or Pumpkin or Hatsumomo.

No Chairman.

"The future, Sayuri, has never looked brighter." I breathe. "I am to be your danna in a month's time."

She looks away momentarily. "I am pleased." She states softly, then touches my shoulder. "Nobu-san, please.." she stops and swallows. "Mameha once told me that between us there is an en. A karmic bond. I know you are shaking your head at this and find it ridiculous, but.."

For the first time in a very, very long time, I laugh. "Sayuri, stop for me. I understand your ramblings, you know. Just because I do not believe in consulting an almanac before I go out for lunch does not mean I do not understand your words." Her touch on my sleeve is warm. "I should go, Mrs. Nitta will be suspicious."

I pause, staring at her for a long time. Neither of us speaks. "You know, the way the sunlight hits your face is particularly charming."

"You truly are a poet, Nobu-san! I knew you had another calling besides businessman." She giggles like a young girl.

"Don't be foolish, there is nothing romantic about it." I touch her neck gently. "It is just honesty, Sayuri." She leans in slightly to the touch and wraps her slender fingers over my own.

"They say lizards are unattractive creatures, don't they? I find them quite charming, don't you, Nobu-san?" she murmurs.


	9. Chapter 9

I'm hooome! This is a short chapter, sorry for the sudden switch from uber-long to short.

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_They are near Seoul. Perhaps thirty kilometers._

_He walks beside his commanding officer; both are silent, holding their heavy weapons in their hands defensively. The old man trusts Nobu- perhaps it is because he seems so much older than he really is. His mind is capable of solving any predicament the force has been faced with. The man has told Nobu before there was no doubt in his mind that one day the young man would be the leader of Japan's army._

_Nobu had just laughed._

_The sun is setting, and the men stumble back to their horses. The old man takes a sip of water and sighs. "You have all worked hard today. I have told you this before, but when we return to Japan you shall all be rewarded." There is no happiness, no stories of home. Just a heavy silence where the men shiftily glance at each other. Nobu speaks to none of them, just stares at his officer._

_The silence seems to grow heavier and heavier until it hangs about the small group like a blanket. Then, a shout. No, it must be a warning, but-_

_It was the strangest sound, a sort of shrieking, like the shriek a wild cat makes when it is about to attack from above. Then an explosion of white- it blinds Nobu momentarily before he glances up and sees his officer running for cover._

_He shouts and throws his weapon on the ground. His legs are like sacks of rice and seem to move to slow- doesn't his body realize how urgent the situation is? _

"_Get down!" Nobu shouts, but the clamor from the attack is too loud. His ears ring as he finally pushes the old man's head down. "Sir, listen to me! We are-"_

"_I know what we are!" the old man roars. "Get off me, you insolent young man!" The two struggle, Nobu's hands pressing down on the officer beneath him. But the old man is strong and lifts his head, like a turtle coming out of its shell. Nobu's feet shifted, sliding, he was sure they would both slip and fall out of the way of the attack if he just held on-_

_A loud noise, and then nothing._

___

_He awakens in a hospital. _

_His skin feels strange; tight, on fire. He tries to lift a hand to feel it, but nothing happens- the nurses have strapped him to the board._

"_He's awake!" a youthful female voice calls. Nobu's not sure where she has come from- he cannot see her, cannot even sense where in the blindingly white room she is standing. He doesn't dare twist his head around, for fear either they have strapped down his neck or well, or that his skin will simply peel off by the simple movement._

_The young woman has finally moved into his line of vision, but she does not dare look at him. The doctor hovers near to her; they speak as if he is not there, as if he is already dead._

_But what does it matter anyway? He won't live more than a week anyway. That is exactly what the doctor said- no more, maybe less. The nurse sucks in her cheeks; one of her eyes wanders over to where he lays, immobile, then instantly darts back._

_He's not sure what is wrong with him. All he wants is water._

___

In less than a month, I shall be Sayuri's danna.

I sometimes feel the need to repeat this fact to myself. Nobu, the businessman, the realist, the cynic! The man who always hated geisha (aside from Mameha, but that is only because she is a lifelong friend), hated their imaginary games and stories and music and dances.

But for heaven's sake, it is not a wedding!

There is nothing more that I scoff at more than a wedding, geisha included. Of course a danna is not like a husband at all in the traditional sense, I am intelligent enough to know that. Never have I felt affection for a woman aside from the familial bond that ties me to my sisters and my mother.

But I am brooding again. I will see Sayuri tonight, with the Chairman and Mr. Schessler and Mameha…

__

Now, if we only could get a blasted moment alone!

Mr. Schessler cannot seem to get his eyes off of her tonight, and it is infuriating. The moment alone in the okiya was not enough. She is sitting next to him as well, adding more salt to the injury. In fact she has barely even looked my way!

And yet the Chairman is giving me the most peculiar look. I choke on a bit of sake when I realize he is watching _me_ watch _her_. There is a small smile on his face.

"Wipe that grin off, Chairman. You look like one of those clown dolls that the street children play with." I grunt as I wipe the tea off my jacket. No one has noticed, thankfully.

He laughs. "You've ruined your new suit, Nobu-san. I told you you should have saved it for a better day!"

"Do you fancy yourself a prophet, Chairman?" Mameha's eyes sparkle. "I thought businessmen were all like Nobu-san here, allergic to any such nonsense!"

"Don't be silly." Mr. Schessler cackles. "We are highly imaginative, it just so happens we are partial to fancy suits and cigars!"

I glare at him. "Excuse me while I go consult an almanac on the exact time I should wash this stain out!" I stand up and stay my place until Sayuri realizes she is to accompany me. Mr. Schessler watches her under his bushy caterpillar brows.

Rather than to the bathroom, I lead her outside. "You are one of the strangest geisha I have ever met, Sayuri." I sigh, wiping my brow.

"Really, Nobu-san? I believe you are just as strange. You may have to come up with better meeting places for the two of us!"

"Indeed." The lamplight is very faint; the paint on her skin is no longer pure white, but rather a warmer color. I am unsure of how to describe it. "I can think of no better place than Tokyo, for that matter."

Sayuri does not respond, rather fingers with one of the flowers dangling from her hair. Everything's a game with her; she knows that I want to reach out and touch her hand, her hair, and she acts on it! "Tokyo is so far away to me, Nobu-san. May I ask why I am given this honor before you have even become my danna?"

"It is purely for business reasons, of course." I respond hastily, digging my hand into my pocket as far as it will go. "There is a meeting there, and of course Iwamura Electric must be there, as must Mr. Schessler..but of course you wouldn't understand a word of anything if I even tried to explain it to you!"

"I suppose not." She looks at me from underneath her eyelashes. "I would be honored to accompany Nobu-san!" I let out a breath of relief, and she laughs.

She cannot stop fussing with the stupid hair pin. I release my hand and softly pull it out of her hair. "A distraction," I say as an excuse. "I cannot speak to you with this in the way." Nor can I see her eyes, her lovely eyes.

I have always hated Western movies. They're ridiculous and over imaginative. Yet I cannot help the feeling that as I move closer, I have seen this before projected from a film reel.

Sayuri pulls her head away quickly. "Aren't you afraid, Nobu-san, that you will return with make-up all over you? And then what will you think?"

"They will think," I breathe, "That I am a very clumsy man."

And I rest my one arm on her shoulder as I kiss her.

For the first time, I do not feel like a lizard, or a bear, or a man that is scorned and ridiculed when his back is turned. I feel wanted, needed; and as strange as it is for a man like me to admit-

I never imagined that a first kiss could come from a young geisha.


	10. Chapter 10

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I have never enjoyed Tokyo, to be frank.

The Chairman would say there isn't much I like, aside from sumo and running the business. As always, he is wrong! It just so happens that Tokyo has never caught my interest- surely it is because of the absurd amount of politicians. Although I cannot complain too much, seeing as they have a magnificent sumo tournament soon.

I have not seen Sayuri since our night at the Ichiriki. I imagine-and would hope- she said nothing to Mameha. Of course we did nothing wrong; but being a geisha is such a precarious life that my simple action could ruin her.

Particularly with Hatsumomo roaming the streets!

There have been nights, lying in silence, that I have replayed the moment in my head. The Lizard kissed a geisha. And now, he is going to Tokyo with her.

Have I gone mad?

__

Our train compartment is completely silent, aside from Mr. Schessler's snoring. This man truly is a joke, but what can I do? They say a war is coming, and we need investments desperately.

The Chairman is silent, impatiently flipping through a newspaper. Every now and then he glances up and out the window, sighs, and returns to the news. I for one am content with the silence (other than Schessler's abhorrent cacophony!) and may think clearly.

With the world changing, I must question my place at Iwamura Electric. Not that the Chairman would ever reduce me to an inferior position- that would never happen. But I am smart enough to know that every corner of the hemisphere is impatient and restless with something I cannot place. It is more than just the bad taste of depression in our mouths.

There is a headline on the Chairman's newspaper about our invasion of China; I know about the Nanking Massacre, probably more than the average civilian on the street will know. Am I to shield Sayuri from this and allow her to live the happy, concealed life of a geisha? She knows I am an honest and gruff man, but I can barely open my mouth to tell her of my drowned sister or the horrors I witnessed in the army, much less thrust a newspaper in her arms.

"You seem distant, Nobu-san." Murmurs the Chairman, barely looking up from his page. "Perhaps you would rather be in Osaka or Gion?"

"Anywhere but Tokyo!" I snap, and he laughs in response. "If it wasn't for the sake of the company I would say I was down with the flu and refused to crawl out of bed for such a worthless visit."

"As always, Nobu." He tosses the newspaper to the floor and crosses one leg over his knee. "You really are a no-fun business partner sometimes."

"And you really are a teenaged boy." I harrumph.

"I owe you too much, as always." He leans forward and looks out the window at the passing landscape. "Tell me, you have changed in these past days. Who has tamed the beast that is Nobu Toshikazu?"

I am suddenly uncomfortable. I have always been honest with the Chairman, surely he knows the plans by now? "No such person, you know that very well!" I chuckle. It is all too fake, and we both know it.

"You're an awful liar, Nobu. No wonder you have so much contempt for politicians." He rubs his chin with one hand and looks back at me. "I won't pretend I don't know. You are my greatest friend, Nobu. I would hate to see you giving up your beliefs for a geisha."

As strange as it sounds, I have his handkerchief in my pocket- the very one Sayuri surely held close to her heart for so many weeks. There is a bit of her with that handkerchief, and I feel as if he knows how much she means to me. "I won't argue with you about this, Chairman." My voice is dangerously low. "Only because I don't want to wake up Mister Big Shot!"

He nods. "I understand," he responds sadly. "I just would hate my greatest friend to be-" he stops, and my eyes narrow.

"It's fine, Chairman. I know well enough what you want to say." Before he may apologize I rise and walk out of the compartment.

__

When I've returned Mr. Schessler is awake and speaking animatedly with the Chairman. His Japanese is weak, yet the Chairman has no trouble understanding him.

"Ah, Mr. Toshikazu! How pleasant you have returned to us! I was just speaking to Mr. Iwamura about the nights we have spent at the teahouse, he hinted that those two lovely women will be accompanying us in Tokyo!"

He's rubbing the stupid toothbrush above his lip with his finger. I'm sure he's hinting at something, or perhaps I am just overly suspicious of the idiot. "Indeed, Mr. Schessler." I busy myself with re-pinning my sleeve. "We will be meeting them with a group of other businessmen we are involved with at the Rikugien garden." Schessler nods, although I'm positive he has no idea what I am talking about.

"And that lovely little geisha will be there, I hope? Quite an interesting character, I've grown fond of her!"

He's talking about Sayuri. I accidently stick the pin in the stump of my arm and look up at him. "Y-yes, of course she will!" Schessler's eyes narrow with suspicion.

"Very well then." And that is the end of that.

__

"What a beautiful garden, wouldn't you agree, Sayuri? You must thank the Chairman and Nobu-san for their kindness." Mameha pushes gently.

Sayuri bows. "I feel so lucky to be in the accompaniment of such great men!" her voice is sickeningly sweet. I hold back a rather rude comment and give a close-lipped smile. She's watching me closely, but what does she expect me to do? Pat her on the back and tell her she is the fairest of them all?

"It was built in the Edo period." The Chairman says nonchalantly, hands in his pockets as we stroll the grounds. "It is to represent scenes from famous poems."

"Thank you for the history lesson, Chairman. Should I be taking notes?" Mameha jokes.

"Only if you plan on using it for future entertainment!"

Their conversation is drowned out. Schessler is staring at Sayuri with a hungry, animalistic look. She is paying neither of us any attention, in fact she's engrossed with the movement of the trees in the early spring breeze.

He turns to me. "What is the price?" he asks in a low undertone.

"Excuse me?"

"Just one night with this Sayuri. Is that not a part of a geisha's services?"

I stop in my tracks. "You do not seem to know much of their world, do you, Mr. Schessler?"

He looks confused. "I wouldn't assume you do either, with all respect. I was always under the assumption you could have cared less, in fact." Schessler's voice changes as he glances back at Sayuri. "If you want our investments…I may speak directly to the Fuehrer, of course, and the military heads in Germany, we will need your help as it is.."

"I am not sure what you are trying to say, Mr. Schessler." My hand is trembling as his face becomes uncomfortably close to my own.

"On the contrary, I think you do!" his voice is cold, far from the cordial tone he has always assumed prior. "I see the way you look at her, don't deny you wouldn't enjoy a little tumble with her every now and then. This is a man to man talk, eh? One night, and the future of your company is in the best hands possible."

"Do you honestly think," I take a step back, "I would sell a woman to you for a night? Particularly a geisha!" I take a deep breath. I could be ruining our company with my words, my wants. "If this is the deal I must make to ensure my company safety in the coming years, you are wrong. Wrong! Do you hear me, you infernal German? Leave for all I care, just stay away from my company."

His jaw tightens. "Yet we have just arrived in Tokyo, Mr. Toshikazu, and you expect me to depart? What will your business partner say?" he nods in the direction of the Chairman; he, Mameha and Sayuri have wandered to the water's edge and are chatting, oblivious to the fact that we are not in their company. "He won't be happy, since it is his company."

I touch the handkerchief in my pocket gently. "A night with a geisha is the only thing keeping you from investing with us, Mr. Schessler? May I ask how you came to such a decision- perhaps you spoke to the young men working at the restaurants?"

I've angered him, just as I hoped. He stomps off without another word. I'm putting the company in a dangerous place.

I release my breath and begin to walk on stiff legs towards the little group- our other investors have arrived. Schessler is not a man to be crossed, I have found. And I have no clue how I am to solve this- for I cannot promise Sayuri to him for a night. I know well enough that is not a geisha's practice.

Perhaps I should refer him to Hatsumomo?

__

It is quiet in the garden. Sayuri is watching me, and if it weren't for the amount of people I would reach out and touch her, compliment her in my way.

There is a bond between us. I have known this since I met her, despite my contempt for such women. One day, I will be able to speak to her honestly. One day, I will tell her of my past. But for now, all I can do is look at her and wait for the day at the Ichiriki when we will drink sake together.

"Look at the trees, Nobu-san, they are beautiful how they bend over the water, aren't they? They are such narcissists- even in old age they grow over the water to gaze at their reflections!" Sayuri says dreamily, coming to stand next to me.

I allow a small smile at her comment. "You are as imaginative as ever, Sayuri. You geisha live in an alternate world, you know that?"

She looks at my profile- the ugly scars and scorched skin. I don't turn and look at her fully, but I can see her tiny hand flutter as if she had the intention to reach up and touch me. "Or perhaps a different way of speaking, Nobu-san." Her leg briefly brushes against mine as she walks away, leaving me staring at my own reflection.


	11. Chapter 11

AUTHOR'S NOTE: So this silly author made a small factual error I just picked up on. Re-reading Memoirs of a Geisha (instead of finishing Dorian Grey…oops!), I made an error on Nobu- he was in the marines and not the army. Not sure if anyone picked up on that (because it certainly escaped my memory since it's a minor detail), so I apologize for that, as it was bothering me (yeah, I can be a bit of a perfectionist!)

__

_They are going to amputate his arm._

_He is not afraid of pain, but the fact they are even considering amputation is starting. What is he to do without an arm?_

_They try and explain to him something about gangrene and how there is no other way, but he doesn't listen to them._

"_What am I to do with myself?" he demands. "A scarred face and body and now you are hacking off my arm?" The nurse cringes and turns away._

_Work is only a part of his problem. How will he lead a normal life? The doctor already addressed that, of course, but thoughts he never bothered with have crossed his mind as of late._

_They don't let him use mirrors, and for that he is glad._

___

I shiver. It's growing late and yet we have remained in the gardens. There are lights here and there, yet we rely greatly on natural light and keen eyesight to guide us about.

I feel as if I must watch Schessler at all times now. I fear for Sayuri for some reason; normally I could care less. She's only spoken to me once- why does she play with me like this? Because it certainly isn't sweet, nor will it make me chase after her! It angers me, and I'm tired of it.

_I just want her to be mine!_

I'm dawdling, speaking with two other Japanese investors, my eyes remaining locked on the German. There is another geisha who has accompanied them, but I took no care as to learn her name. She has an unfortunate lazy eye and an upturned nose that isn't particularly attractive, but is articulate enough- for a geisha.

It's so damn _cold_, yet everyone insists on remaining out doors! I hug myself and worriedly glance about me. I feel so uneasy, something in the pit of my stomach tells me that things are not all right. I see Sayuri glance back at us and smile in the midst of speaking with the Chairman.

I am jealous of the company he is keeping on such a beautiful night.

__

I'm sweating. It is past midnight and I am sweating.

I stumble out of bed and retreat to the bathroom for water. It's cold, but not satisfying in the least. I spit it out and run a hand over my face. I'm exhausted but cannot sleep. I close the door and slide onto the smooth tile, my hand self-consciously creeping over my stump of an arm.

She does not care for me, and she surely never did. I hang my head and breathe- I must not lose control.

__

_The pain is incredible when he wakes up._

_He refuses to look at it immediately- it'll shock him, the nurse warned him. They gave him even more advisories about phantom feelings and shock and such, but he did not listen to them._

_And now, he has only one arm and a melted face._

_His sisters always berated him for being too curious. Curiosity finally grabs hold of him and he glances down; they've wrapped it up, but there's still blood all over the place._

_The doctor forgot to take down a mirror. He glances into it momentarily, twists his head to the floor, and vomits._

___

I've woken up with a pounding headache and lack of sleep. Of course, the sleep is no surprise, but I feel ill. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open while speaking with the Chairman. His face shows concern, but I do not want to show him that I am weak. There is tea in front of us, of course, but I am afraid I won't be able to hold it down.

There are military types and big shots alike wandering about in the lobby here. A couple of them are watching us, as I am well aware. They know are names- this is not pompous to say in the least, of course. I recognize a handful of marines with graying beards. These men were once my friends when we were younger, but now they will barely acknowledge me no matter how successful I am.

"I walked with Sayuri last night. She spoke very highly of you, although you spoil her to no end, it seems." He comments, twisting the empty cup in his fingers. I gave her a small gift at the end of the night when I believed us to be at least somewhat in private- it was just a small jewel, really. She admired it for a very long time, a small smile on her red lips the whole time. Despite my anxiousness I couldn't not smile back.

"I have told you before, Chairman. I don't hand out gifts without a reason behind it." I cough.

"Perhaps you may elaborate? You are to become her danna, I know well enough." He sighs.

"We talked about this on the train, Chairman. Explain to me why you need to bring it up over and over again?" I hesitantly take a sip of the tea.

He shrugs. "It is strange to me, Nobu, that is all. As I told you it is strange that you should take such interest in a geisha." He stops and thinks a moment. "Although you have always been a strong believer in destiny.." his voice trails off.

I stand and sway slightly before steadying myself by grabbing the edge of the little table. "I'm not sure what you are getting at, my friend. You're rambling, as usual."

The Chairman stands as well, placing his fedora on his head and shrugging. "You're right as always. Remember yourself, Nobu."

It's a strange warning, and I'm not sure what he is trying to say to me. "Always the older brother, Chairman." I sigh, but I say this with a smile. He laughs and accompanies me outside.

"One that owes his little brother a very great debt."

__

My headache does not seem to want to recede today, and the businessmen around me certainly are not making it any better!

One of the geisha to my left is pouring endless cups of tea. I asked her, after she poured what must have been my fourth cup, if she would be kind enough to lead us in a song of being a tea pot. She found this witty, but after that she moved as far away from me as possible.

The men around me, the Chairman and Schessler included, are wholeheartedly enjoying their lunch and speaking with anyone and everyone in the room. Mr. Kanagawa-san has finished speaking to me and has turned to a petite geisha next to him. With the lack of conversation, I stroke my chin with my fingers.

There are times where I find myself wondering what became of Izumi. She ran away after our other sister drowned in the stream; why, I can never say. I was still young and naïve then and believed Izumi would return any day to play children's games with me and read me _The Tale of Genji _at night. My father was never a kind man, but after losing both of his daughters he spent more time in the towns at night then trying to hold what remained of his family together.

I told the Chairman once, long ago, about my sisters. He tried looking for her, putting ads in the newspapers for one Izumi Toshikazu. He reached out to friends throughout Japan, yet none of them recognized the name.

It was as if my former greatest friend and confidante, my big sister, had fallen off the face of the earth.

I give a heavy sigh and glance up. Sayuri is watching me, her head tipped to the left as she speaks to another man. She looks away briefly to pay him more attention, then her eyes gradually wander back to mine. Her smile is coy as she pours him more tea. I mimic the man's actions, taking a deep gulp of tea and rolling my eyes dramatically as he does. She laughs, as I intended, and I can't help but snort.

Mameha slides next to me and whispers into my ear. "Since when did Nobu-san become such a clown?"

"Never." I respond, holding the tea in my one hand. "I just enjoy satire, that is all."

She laughs. "Of your own investors? You are terrible, Nobu-san. No wonder those men bow so low when they meet you, it's because they beg you not to make fun of them." Her tone suddenly becomes serious. "If I may speak with you honestly, Nobu-san, I am worried for our Sayuri. This Mr. Schessler of yours-"

"I know," I interrupt quietly. "You aren't the only one. Don't think that because I am not officially her danna yet that I won't keep an eye on her." I pat her hand.

She purses her lips. "Oh Nobu-san," she sighs. "Things have changed so much."

I nod and do not respond, for there is nothing for me to say. Mameha is right, and I am sure that things will never be back to normal again.

__

I hold her hand lightly in my palm. It's small and smooth, like a child who has never done hard work. Mine by comparison is large and scarred, rough and lined. We are hidden from anyone passing through the hallway on the way to the toilets or wherever else. She is watching me quietly, surveying my face for any hint of what is running through my mind.

"Why do you ignore me, Sayuri? Do you find it exhilarating, exciting to charm other men?"

"Not at all, Nobu-san. It's just that you never seem to want my company. You would rather speak with boring old men than with me!"

Her comment is irrational, of course. "Listen to what you're saying, would you? I am to be your danna in a couple weeks' time or so, and I don't want your company? Your arguments are so preposterous sometimes. "

Sayuri moves her hand away from mine and adjusts her sleeve. Her pearl hair ornament jingles as she lifts her face to my own. "I figured, Nobu-san, you might want to save our time together for-" she blushes and clears her throat, and I feel my face growing hot.

"I brought you to Tokyo for your company, Sayuri, and nothing more. You know this." She says nothing, so I continue. "I want you for myself, don't you see? The German wants you, if I don't give you to him he might as well damn the company! I can't do that, you silly girl. I could never promise you to another man!"

She moves closer and puts her small hand on my chest. "You want Mameha to begin plotting again?" Her eyes glitter mischievously.

"Not at all." I snarl. "A geisha has no place in the business world. I know well enough how to handle the pig." I lay my hand over hers, the two of us standing in silence.

"If we weren't in such a public space, Sayuri, I would speak to you honestly."

"We are in a corner of a teahouse, Nobu-san. I hardly think that there is a large group of people behind us!" she giggles. Daringly, her face moves closer to mine, her lips resting on my scarred cheek. I sigh and move my face so as to feel her soft hair against my skin, her eyelashes against my neck-

But when I look up, I see she is wrong. There is the Chairman, his face frozen with an expression I cannot place. I feel as if Miyugami himself has knocked the wind out of my stomach when I lock eyes with my friend.


	12. Chapter 12

I think this chapter has undergone the most revision of all the previous chapters, and yet I'm still not quite satisfied with it. But I hope you enjoy it nevertheless!

__

He refuses to look at me, and I'm quite confident in the fact that he will not speak to me.

The scene won't stop replaying in my mind. The Chairman's look of horror and anger is practically glued to my mind's eye. Sayuri can scarcely look at anyone but the man she is entertaining; even a glance in Mameha's direction will bring embarrassment for her, I am sure.

We've had our arguments in the past, as any business partners have experienced. This was not an argument, and after seeing his expression I'm positive of his feelings for Sayuri. Whatever he said about not knowing how she came by the handkerchief was a lie.

If I could, I would burn the damn thing.

__

"What were you doing with her?"

I hang my head, feeling absurdly like a young boy being scolded by his father. "Tell me why you feel the need to interrogate me like a policeman. Do you plan on calling the Nitta okiya to tell them what a naughty little geisha they have?" I press my lips and take a small drink of water, and it feels as if it sticks in my throat.

He shakes his head and breathes angrily through his nose, reminding me of a bull about to charge- I almost have to keep myself from laughing at him. "Nobu, what if Mr. Schessler or anyone else had spotted you two? Our mentalities have switched, it seems! Since when are you so daring, especially with a woman?"

"Are you accusing me of treating her like a whore off the street?" I shout, standing. "We have done nothing, Chairman. _Nothing_!" The glace of ice water I am holding is shaking.

"Indeed." His voice is cold. "You aren't her _danna_ and you're fooling around with the girl I saw by the stream years ago, Nobu. Not you, understand?"

What is he talking about? The stream? The confusion on my face is all too obvious, and he laughs and shakes his head. "Nobu, she was the little girl I told you about. The one with the grey-blue eyes. If it wasn't for _me_," he continues, almost insultingly, "She wouldn't be sneaking about in corners with you."

"Always you!" I point a finger and the trembling glass at him. "Always you, Chairman! You take everything and give back nothing, do you know that?" I am close to shouting now, and I can hardly give a care if anyone hears us. Let them hear Ken Iwamura and Nobu Toshikazu yelling! Maybe it will do their ears good.

Instead he shakes his head and walks in a circle, hands covering his eyes. "Nobu, Nobu." He drones.

"I have nothing to say to you," I snap, "I don't know why everything I do, every decision I have made in my own life, is of your concern, Chairman. Explain it to me!"

He continues his little procession, then finally faces me. "What do you want me to say?" his fingers splay, palms facing outward. "Why else would I want a young girl to become a geisha? Because she intrigued me, Nobu. She must have kept the handkerchief I gave her all those years ago…what else do I tell you, Nobu? How about how you have become a hypocrite? A different person? All because of a geisha!"

I can't look at him. He's right this time, and I have nothing else to say. I have changed, I've gone against every one of my beliefs. I've opened myself up to a woman- what's more, the very type that is afraid of me and that I despise.

He speaks exactly what we are both thinking. "If it was not for me, Nobu-san, you two never would have met. So have I finally repaid my debt? Or do you expect more?"

"How dare you. There never was any debt, Chairman, understand? There is no debt for you to pay. Get out!" I hurl the water at the wall, watching it shatter- it very nearly misses his head. "I have done everything for you, I would very well lay down my life for you, and you sit here and chant about a debt. There is nothing you can do for Mr. Lizard anymore!"

He gapes at me, looks ready to say something. My words are harmful, and probably not even true. What else do I say? I am searching for words when he leaves abruptly.

I'm astonished to find that I am crying.

__

"So, Mr. Toshikazu, do you have an answer for me?"

I straighten my back and clear my throat. The German is sitting across from me, leg lazily crossed over the other, twiddling his thumbs. His face is smug- if only I could hit him in the face, then he wouldn't look so full of himself!

"Mr. Schessler, as I have explained, the arrangement you want is not possible. It is a cultural difference, please understand." I respond calmly. I might as well get down on both knees and beg while consulting a history book! "If there is anything more we can do for you, of course we can have it in order, but-"

He waves his hand lazily. "No no, nothing more." He tips his head to the side, as if this will make him think any better. "I'll have to speak with my associates back in Germany, understand. My country is, as you know-"-here he clears his throat anxiously-"-experiencing _extensive_ changes. I will have an answer for you within a few weeks."

All this trouble for a damn investment? I am furious, and the events of earlier this morning certainly aren't helping. The pounding in my head returns. "Of course, Mr. Schessler, I understand completely!" I exclaim and shake is hand. "Really, if there's anything else we can do before you depart for home-"

"No, no." he repeats nonchalantly. "Not at all, thank you." He clears his throat again. "You have a good company in your hands, Mr. Toshikazu."

Those are his departing words.

I am relieved to be free of the dunce, but I am still worried. He is going through so many embellishments just so I may convince him to invest in our company. Or perhaps this is just the European's way?

"At least he's gone," I mutter. I am not a drinker, but a cup of whiskey is not a bad thought at all right now.

__

The rest of the day is not memorable in the least. We held a small banquet, which was dull as these things usually are. Sayuri was quiet and appeared drawn, even with the heavy makeup she wore.

She avoided Schessler and the Chairman alike. Her eyes flicker towards me once for a moment. My heart skips, and she looks away quickly.

__

The train is crowded today!

I'm wandering the halls looking for Mameha and Sayuri. I'll admit I can't stand to be in a compartment with the Chairman- I can't stand another confrontation with him, the words we exchanged with each other were detrimental enough- and I am suspicious of Sayuri's actions yesterday.

When I find them, they are speaking in hushed tones, their heads close together. Mameha spots me and moves away from her younger sister.

"You two- conniving, as always!" I joke, taking a seat next to Mameha. "You geisha are all too crafty sometimes."

They laugh demurely, then fall silent. I watch Sayuri; she holds my gaze before speaking. "Thank you for bringing me to Tokyo, Nobu-san. It was a lovely experience."

I shake my head. "You've thanked me already, and besides, what else was I to do? Leave you in Gion while I sauntered off to boring business meetings?" I look over at Mameha. "If I may," I say softly. She exits wordlessly and I kneel before Sayuri.

"It is time you explain to me your relationship with the Chairman." I pause. "And Schessler."

Her eyes widen. "Please Nobu-san, I don't know what you are accusing me of! Mr. Schessler and I never-"

"Don't lie to me!" my grip tightens. "Then tell me how he was so careless this morning when I spoke to him about you."

"I thought it would save your company, Nobu-san. You expressed to me how it was needed, otherwise Iwaumura Electric would go under. I could not bear to think of you on the street, to think that I would never see you again." She chokes.

"And what of the Chairman then?" I exclaim, shaking her. "What of him?"

"I would never be unfaithful to you, Nobu-san, don't you understand?" she cries, trying to loosen herself from my grip. "Nothing, I was just a girl!" she sobs. "I do not know of any intentions he should hold for me, if that is what you want for me to say!"

I let her go, and her words set in. I am astonished and repulsed by her actions, but she is not blameless. I did this to her. A danna is supposed to care for a geisha, not set men on her.

"Just a girl." I repeat dumbly. Sayuri nods, blinking rapidly. "Indeed. Just a girl." I turn away from her and stumble out of the compartment, my head feeling as if it should fall apart- my headache is so great.

I nearly run into Mameha, but I ignore her and continue to the very back of the train. I stare out the window at the receding landscape, then stare at my hand.

I've ruined Sayuri, ruined my friend, and ruined myself. My words to the Chairman, I see now, were ridiculous. Had I really said that to him? I cannot simply go back and apologize and expect him to smile at me and for the two of us be in good graces. Sayuri...I may as well have betrayed her. And there is no one else I can blame _but_ myself.

I should turn back around and speak to her, console her, but I can't. I've made myself as much of a fool as I look. Perhaps I was never meant to be her danna, maybe I fooled myself into believing there was an _en_ between us.

But now I am being melancholy. I purse my lips and sit down, watching the trees wave goodbye to our little train.

__

"_I didn't imagine the papers would get wind of this." He slaps one down as an example for Nobu to see. "They are calling me a fool because my Chairman saved my own company, while I supposedly sat idly by! I am not an idiot, yet they say I can't even take care of the company I started."_

"_And you care for what they say?" Nobu responded quickly. "President, you know how much they enjoy spinning lies!"_

"_But these lies always have some hint of truth. I wanted to save my company, but now they are painting me a fool. Do you know what they say? That my handicapped Chairman is better suited for business than I am, that I do not understand the basics. They say a former marine with a melted face would bring more success. And they say this as an insult!" he spat._

_Nobu stared at the paper. His one hand was balled in a fist, his lips trembling to fight back angry words. Finally, he spoke."Forgive me, President. That was never my intent, I hope you understand that. I am not that kind of a man. I do not sell my friends so I may gain the better position."_

_Ken Iwamura gave no response; he seemed to be mulling over Nobu's words. _

"_If need be," Nobu began hesitantly, "I may resign."_

_The President's head snapped up, watching his Chairman quietly. "That would not be bad, Nobu. I know how to handle a company quite well."_


	13. Chapter 13

__

Where do I continue from here?

I've put myself in the worst spot I could. I may be a good businessman, but I've put my life in shambles. I thought I knew myself well enough to get around such a mess! Yet here I am, staring at blank sheets of paper without a clue what move to take next.

It has been a week and a half since our return from Tokyo. I have spoken with Mrs. Nitta only once, and it was concerning the trip itself. She mentioned the ceremony at the Ichiriki once very quickly, not long before hanging up. It will be in but a week and a half, and I hardly think Sayuri will want to see me after the incident on the train.

I haven't spoken a word to the Chairman unless out of necessity.

What a disaster this has all been! And I was so sure that all would go well. I can blame the German, the Chairman, even Sayuri. But the thing is I am too honest with myself to do this- it is my fault, and I know it all too well. My gruff exterior has finally done enough damage. What I do to set it right, though...even I do not know how to do this.

The paper, blank, is making me sick. I'm not sure why- I could easily point out that it is the same white as the face paint Sayuri swipes on her face day after day and how the black that it may be marked with would be the same shade as her hair. I swallow heavily and stand up from my desk, adjusting my tie nervously with my one hand. What I'm doing, I am not sure. I need to leave the office- it's stifling, and I'm sick of sitting in my chair waiting for- waiting for nothing!

I shove around the workers ascending the steps; none of them dare look me in the eye. Good! They know my moods well enough by now. I am glad to see they have caught on quickly after all these forsaken years with the company. The glass door seems to push back on me when I try to open it.

Everyone around me is enjoying the sun, and here I am- feeling ill and brooding like some Western actor on a radio drama! Anxiously, I pull my hand over the stump of my arm as I stomp towards the driver, who immediately opens the car door for me. The people around me have turned into little dots of color in the corner of my eyes; irritating insects I can block out. Don't look at anyone, they won't look at you- one of the few beliefs I truly need in life.

What do I say to her? "My dear Sayuri, I am so sorry for the misunderstanding! You must believe me, I love you too much to see you so distraught!" Absurd, completely asinine. Never would I say something so stupid, much less tell her my true feelings. I may as well stick a knife in my stomach and call it a day. I wet my lips and stare out the window at the passing scenes, finally closing my eyes wearily. The driver inquires where we should be going, exactly. I wave my hand lazily.

"Wherever you wish." I say so quietly, I've probably frightened him with my softness. No longer do I care for where I go, what I should do with myself.

As is, I have lost control of my life. Like when I was a young boy, I allowed myself to get swept up in the current, and it has carried me too far to the point where I cannot swim back. Whatever direction my driver takes me, well…it will just be another accidental destination.

_End Part I _


	14. Chapter 14

When I was a boy, Yasu would swim with me in the river and propose we play a game. Looking back, we never realized the dangers of it- nor did our parents. But I hardly think they ever noticed! Yasu would hold my head under the current and count, slowly, making me stay under for as long as possible. Sometimes Izumi would spot our antics and come rushing down, pulling me out from the water, sputtering and laughing.

Why I'm thinking of these particular memories, I'm unsure. My hand shakes on my lap; I clench it in an attempt to get it to stop, but it doesn't work. The driver warns me we are only a minute from the Ichiriki. Part of me wants to snap at him to turn around, to take me home so I may sleep- sleep, which I so desperately long for! But of course I can't do that.

After all, Sayuri will be there. And somewhere in the long stretch of the night, perhaps I will set things right again. I have spoken to Mrs. Nitta over and over again when the person I wanted to hear was probably praying to be saved from me by the very same man I cannot bear to face.

The driver stops; I snap at him that he should park further along and slam the door (I'm surprised that it didn't fall off). I feel the need to take a deep breath of the air before I enter the teahouse which I should feel familiar with by now.

__

It's a small room, as I have requested. Nothing big and fancy- that's exactly what I hate, and I am not a stupid military man any longer. I have no need for such pomp and circumstance that will only be witnessed by four people! I've only been kneeling for perhaps no more than fifteen minutes when I hear a stirring behind me. I don't dare turn to see who it is- for all I know, it's just the mistress! I clear my throat and turn my head only a little so I can see.

Of course I was right. It indeed is the mistress; but I can see, just a little past her, a woman in a black kimono.

"Nobu-san!" the mistress greets. "I am grateful to see you here again, after so many weeks!"

"Although I'm sure you know the nature of why I am here." I respond shortly, and she nods, her little mouth forming into a circle.

"Of course, of course, of course." She has the most strange way of speaking I have ever heard, a sort of mumbling out of the side of her mouth like she is meaning to whisper to someone invisible that is beside her. "What a wonderful alliance, wouldn't you say?" Alliance? Am I going to war with someone now?

Mameha comes in next and smiles curtly, but not unkindly. There is a heavy silence before, finally, _she_ enters and kneels beside me. I clear my throat again and look pointedly at her; not at the kimono, or the hair ornaments, but _her_. Those lovely eyes flicker in my direction before resting on the tea cups in front of us.

I take the smallest sip of tea possible before handing it to Sayuri; our fingers hardly even touch, yet she jumps and drops it! I am to be the danna of a dunce it seems- I might as well have called for Pumpkin instead. I slam my fist on the table and glare equally at Mameha and the mistress- I'm grasping at straws to blame anyone for anything.

"Well, at least there are only two left." I hear Mameha sigh.

The ceremony itself, as it turns out, was not really a ceremony at all- just another ridiculous geisha custom that involves demurely sipping tea a couple of times. I might as well have fallen asleep somewhere along the line and no one would have even noticed. I tell Sayuri so as we exit the teahouse.

"I'm sure in the business world, there are just as many silly customs, Nobu-san. I believe it is called signing a contract." She glances around anxiously. Her voice is low, and she seems skitterish, like a deer. "If I may ask, Nobu-san, where is the car?"

"Just up there, Sayuri. I can't have it stopped right in front of the teahouse now, can I?" I shake my head.

Of course the night is not totally silent. I spot a couple of geisha shuffling towards a teahouse, glancing over their shoulders curiously at the two of us. They duck their heads together and whisper rather dramatically, before hiding their little mouths behind their hands.

"If you had any decency," I shout as I yank open the door, "you surely would be able to come up and say it!" Sayuri gives a little squeak at this is she ducks inside- probably embarrassed. One of them stops and watches me.

"Mr. Lizard," she finally calls. "Don't tell me you're taking a little girl back with you to the cage! She'll turn green and grow scales, you know. You better be careful with the girls you bring home!"

It's a rather weak comment that is trying to hurt; most likely she was formerly friends with Hatsumomo. I only feel the urge to laugh. "No, but I would be glad to escort you back to the Miyagawa-cho." She's been drinking too much sake, as has her little friend. Most likely they won't remember they even saw me, much less spoke to me- with women like them, particularly geisha, I say whatever I like and care less of the consequences.

Once more I slam the door shut and pound my fist against the back of the man's seat. He starts, as if he had been dozing all this time, and anxiously starts the car.

Sayuri says nothing or a moment until we pass the two geisha, tripping and laughing as they fall over the curb. "One of them is Korin," she comments flatly. I grunt, unsurprised.

The ride to my home is uncomfortably silent. The driver leaves; Sayuri watches him go, and once more I'm struck at the idea that she probably does not want to be here. I lead her over the little stone steps and hold open the sliding door for her- it's about as chivalrous as I will ever be.

Hesitantly, Sayuri removes her shoes and steps up the platform, sucks in her lips anxiously before exhaling. She's looking around silently; the walls are utterly bare and there is no hint of any sort of reverence for any sort of religion. She glances back at me before shuffling in a bit more.

"It seems rather large for one man." She comments in a rather strange way to break our silence. "It must be so uncomfortable for you. Even my okiya seems too big, and I have more people than you!"

I laugh. "Money buys many things, Sayuri." It almost seems as if the exchange in Tokyo has been forgotten, buried, never to be touched. I watch her wander about- she's delaying what she knows will happen in any way possible.

Then she comes upon the _chadansu_, the cabinet holding eating utensils, in the living room. The handkerchief is on top of it, next to a small photograph of my sisters.

She runs a hand over it slowly. I watch from the doorway, my hand tightly gripping the wooden lattice. "You kept it," her voice holds a trace of cold accusation, maybe even anger.

"What was I to do with it, you left me with it like a fool!" I accuse, leaning my head wearily against the frame. She opens her mouth to respond before I cut her off. "No, I will here nothing from you-_absolutely nothing_- until you decide to tell me why you gave it to me!"

Of course now she refuses to look at me, just wrings the stupid little item in her hands before letting it fall back onto the top of the chadansu.

"And perhaps you will explain to me why you are such a cruel man, Nobu. Will you be a cruel danna as well?"

What is she saying? I push myself away from the frame and come towards her, resting my hand on her shoulder. "I am not a cruel man, Sayuri." I lean in close, whispering into her ear. Her eyes are trained on the little photo- Izumi, looking motherly and too old for sixteen; Yasu, cheerful and bright at ten, unknowing of her fate; and a boy, unscarred and at the age of five trying to hide behind his sisters-"I am honest, I work hard, I lead a good life. Never have I been cruel to you."

She breaks away and faces me finally, her grey eyes shining. "Then why did you throw me to Mr. Schessler?" she cries. I gape at her.

"Throw you? We discussed this already, I am not the one manipulating others' words in order for-for-"

I don't know what to say, but for once I am too tired to argue. Seeing the little photo makes me feel old and exhausted, and how much I want to slump against the wall and sleep. Sayuri is waiting for an answer, but I have none. Instead, my hand grasps her wrist tightly, so tightly there will be a slight imprint by tomorrow morning; there is still a distance between us, just enough, seeing as I don't even trust my own temper. I feel rage and fatigue grow in my head as my eyes bore into hers.

"Tell me, Sayuri," I breathe, "How you truly feel about monsters."

She does not try to move away, as she did before. Nor does she avert her eyes or give an artful, well thought out response. My legs are about to collapse beneath me; the room spins, but I can see her clearly as a vision. I lick my lips, awaiting her answer. The silence is growing to a dull roar, I can hear Yasu laughing at me somewhere in the deep regions of my memory. I see the Chairman watching us from behind the chadansu, Mr. Schessler with his hands on her waist.

"I-" she looks at my hand, then back at me-"-love you."

_I love you. _Did she say this? Or am I really ill? "You, you cannot-" I gasp, and she shakes her head, placing her other hand on top of mine.

"I do!" she trembles. "I love you, Nobu."

I feel myself sliding to the floor, my hand slipping from hers.

__

When I awake, I find it is morning- morning already. There's a heavy weight on my chest, but when I look down I see it is her. Her cheek rests against my neck, and there's a putrid smell in the air. I adjust myself carefully, so not to wake her, and find I must have gotten sick somewhere in my _episode_ last night.

I look down at her once more. There is no way she is possible- she'll probably return to the okiya so hunched over they'll have to stick a pole in her to straighten her up again. Her little hands rest against my stomach, legs resting on top of my own.

Nothing happened in the course of the night, of course. But as I place my one hand on her shoulder and pull her close, I just barely feel the ghost of a kiss on my cheek, the memory of the three words she spoke to me. I close my eyes slowly and rest my chin on the top of her hair.

There is no better time to be alive than now.

___

Author's Note: This is DEFINITELY not the end, which I'm sure a lot of you gathered by the "End of Part I" I used previously. But I got to one of the important parts, right? –wink- Don't worry, there will be more to come in this little tale…


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